When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Someone signed my nipple.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
