you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
