I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
