if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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