I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
cat food counts as protein by the way
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
