gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I'm really busy with my period
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