just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
