you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Randomize
