I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
