i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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