You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
