I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
