Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
