Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
