I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
