apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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