why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize