I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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