Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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