That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
