Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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