3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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