If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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