very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
