if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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