discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize