Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
