I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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