I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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