My friends, they love my intelligence
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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