My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
