I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
