on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize