and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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