I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
