just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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