they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
