I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
