Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
