the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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