I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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