there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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