I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
