I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
