the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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