I need to stop coming to work sober
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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