It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
