Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
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