I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
