just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
