Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
