You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
