I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
