No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
