Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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