My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
